I don’t want to be a mom today
11Jan2008 Filed under: parenting Author: slackermommyI’m having one of those days where I want to hang up my mommy hat and catch the first flight to Tahiti. So here I go again, boo-hooing about how hard it is to be a parent.It seems the older my kids get the more ill equipped I feel for this parenting gig. My own parents were terrible role models so I’m learning as I go. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t.
Madeline, my guinea pig oldest is having friendship troubles. She has a love-hate friendship with another girl in her class. Her frienemy happens to be a little girl I can’t stand. She is spoiled, bratty, rude, manipulative, and lacks boundaries. For some reason, Madeline enjoys her but it isn’t without conflict. The frienemy has everything but lacks time with her parents and Madeline gets lots of family time but lacks many of the material possessions of the frienemy. They are constantly feeling jealous of what the other has that they want and one-upping each other. It makes me crazy.
I met with the teacher today to see how we can help the girls get along better at school. This past Tuesday Madeline had an emotional breakdown in the car after school. The frienemy had left her out at lunch, giving her mean looks when the teacher’s back was turned, and trying to get her in trouble.
I didn’t get what I wanted out of the meeting. I love the teacher but I came home not feeling like there was any resolution. I had to ask myself what it was that I was hoping to get out of the meeting and suddenly I had a light bulb moment. This isn’t my problem to fix. This problem isn’t about when I was the kid feeling left out or mistreated and didn’t have a mother who would go to school and make it all better.
One of the things I have found most challenging about parenting is dealing with my intense desire to snuff out my kid’s emotional pain. I’m a big believer of natural consequences but when it comes to failure, disappointment, and friendship woes I want to pacify their feelings along with the ones I still carry from my own childhood. Logically I know that my kids need to experience their own emotional pain and struggles in order to grow but the mamma bear in me tends to instinctively jump in and rescue.
I can’t rescue Madeline from her friendship woes. She has chosen to continue this close friendship with the frienemy so she is going to have to figure out how to make it work. I’m here to support her and give a listening ear but this is one boo boo I can’t put a band-aid on.
Realizing this doesn’t make me feel any better though.
Damn it.
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29 Responses to “I don’t want to be a mom today”
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About this blog
I am a self professed slacker mom. I answer to Kristie or slackermommy.
My house is a mess, my kids are obnoxious, and my husband is sexually deprived.
I drive my kids to school in my pj's, I can make a couple of Happy Meals from the floor of my car, my kids eat in front of the television, and I believe a dirty house helps kids have a healthy immune system.
If you can relate then this blog is for you. No sugar coating on my blog. Let's get real about being a mommy, wife, sister, and friend.
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Julie Pippert
January 11th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Oh wow, how glad am I that you wrote this and I read it. Especially today. I blogged about the challenges I am having with my 3 year old, and the post in my draft is about my 6 year old.
She’s having some social trouble at school too. And oh it makes her act out badly at home. UGH
So big epiphany when you wrote this:
“This isn’t my problem to fix. This problem isn’t about when I was the kid feeling left out or mistreated and didn’t have a mother who would go to school and make it all better.
One of the things I have found most challenging about parenting is dealing with my intense desire to snuff out my kid’s emotional pain. I’m a big believer of natural consequences but when it comes to failure, disappointment, and friendship woes I want to pacify their feelings along with the ones I still carry from my own childhood. Logically I know that my kids need to experience their own emotional pain and struggles in order to grow but the mamma bear in me tends to instinctively jump in and rescue.”
All these years, all teh times in my life my heart cried out for the mothering *I* wanted but felt i lacked…I’m trying to be that fictional character for my own kids.
I long ago forgave my mom for not being who *I* thought she ought to be but was instead who she is, and now I’m turning that on myself.
Oh. Thanks. This is great.
Stacie
January 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
YES!
Great post.
It is so hard to step back and let them see what happens…but if we don’t then they will never learn to fight their own battles.
UGH, but being a controlling protective mom really makes that HARD.
Hang in there, you are doing a great job (I am sure!)
sltbee69
January 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I feel your pain. It is so hard not to get involved in their fienemy problems. I “try” to just listen and then tell her some stories from when I was her age so she is aware that every one goes through it at some time in their lives. Most of the time I am able to give her advice instead of assvice but every now and then I can’t help but sneak a good comeback for her to say back for certain situations.
Lisa
January 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
After awhile this started to click. Seth as a frienemy too! But like you said, its HIS problem to fix. He constantly complains about this kid and when I say, “You don’t have to have him over” he insists that he DOES want to have him over.
I guess we’ve all got to go through that at one point. M is a very loving little girl though. I bet she’s still friends with her because she’s very loyal and hates the idea of hurt this girl’s feelings by ending the friendship?
Hey can you get out next Friday night? Lemme know.
Scrapping My 2 Precious Gems
January 11th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I 100% agree with you. Last couple of years my daughter has had issues with a friend of hers. Of course I want to pacify her and make her feel better, but after much thought I realized, this is her issue to resolve. I may not thing the friend is the greatest, but if I tell her her friend stinks, it will make her want to be friends with her even more. Best thing is to guide her and hopefully eventually she will realize this is someone that isn’t worth calling a friend. My mom says it will happen…I am waiting for the when!
Zookeeper
January 11th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Not being able to fix my kids’ problems is one of the biggest frustrations for me as a mom. I can relate to your pain with this situation. May daughter has a friend that sounds similar to your daughter’s. They seem to have struck a balance in their friendship so far. I hope Madeline can sort out her relationship with the other girl quickly. Stay strong, mama!
MotoMom
January 11th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
My son’s frienmy is his sister. Unfortunately I can’t “control” the situation at home, and at school it is even worse. I just keep praying that we will all survive these teenage years. If I could wave a magic wand and fast forward 6 years I would do it in a heartbeat.
Hang in there, my life has been a dozen kinds of crazy lately, but I have been thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.
BlondeMomBlog (Jamie)
January 11th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
It’s so tough. But you are right. She is going to have to figure this out on her own and also realize that a true “friend” would not be so manipulative or cruel.
Honestly my oldest is only 5 1/2 and I already see the potential for the mean girls out there. It’s frightening!
Good luck. It’s so tough to be a parent but I think that just by having the meeting with the teacher, you have done so much more than so many would!
Kuwaitia
January 11th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
You are right about that! You can’t shield your kids from pain, but you can teach them how to grow from it. Madeline will come around, especially if she figures it out on her own. Listening and providing support is the best thing you can do for her. As a child, that’s the biggest thing that you want from your parents, especially your mom!
Misa Gracie
January 11th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
It looks like you’ve got this parenting thing figured out better than you think….
Becky
January 11th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Oh wow this brings back some pretty horrifying memories. I think girls have it WAY worse than boys when it comes to these kinds of hot and cold friendships. Boys will just pound on a kid they don’t like. Girls mess with your head. Makes me glad I have two little boys. I just pray they don’t go through the middle school hell I did. I want to rush in and rescue too, but you are right. Some times all you can do is listen. This is one of those rights of passage we dread, as mothers.
Farrell
January 12th, 2008 at 1:28 am
GIRLS are MEAN! You don’t even want to know about my middle school years - oi.
I think you should keep your “mommy” hat on. Seems like you’re doing a fine job.
Chaotic Joy
January 12th, 2008 at 6:58 am
I am proud of you - is that condescending to say? - for letting her work this out for herself. I too project my childhood woes and heartbreaks on my child and want to run interference to makes sure she never experiences them. But we have all met those teenagers and adults who’s parents did that too much. Who do not have the maturity emotional perspective needed to be decent adult.
But it is hard, so-so hard, and I struggle with knowing which times I should jump in, and which times I need to let her sink or swim on her own. Great post. Sorry about your heartache.
For the Love...
January 12th, 2008 at 10:27 am
We are dealing with a similar incident…it makes my heart hurt.
dawn224
January 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
ugh. I want Tahiti too - different reasons but same general idea.
Oh, The Joys
January 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Gah! Hard.
I, of course, have no idea.
I feel for you though.
xo,
OTJ
Mrs. Schmitty
January 12th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I so hear you! Your whole post sounds like you got into my own head. The not wanting to be a mommy, poor role models, wanting to take all of our kid’s hurt away. The whole kit and kaboodle.
It’s so hard sometimes, but you sound like you are doing the right thing with your daughter. As much as we’d like to drop kick some of their friends out of their lives, we can’t. They need to learn on their own.
Vanessa
January 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I have two girls, I hope they don’t become anyones “frienemy”. I think I had a lot of frienemies in school. Girls can be really mean, I’ll do everything in my power to mold my girls into nice ones!! By the way I’m new to this blogging thing, I think yours is hilarious!!
Dory
January 12th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Oh, you did good. Just gotta let her deal with it on her own.
My boys have AS and the practically non-existant social skills that go along with it. I used to try to fix it for them, but now I stay out of it and just try to explain social rules generally.
Dory
carrie
January 12th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
That is such a hard thing to do, as a mom. Letting her figure it out on her own will give her so much in the long run though, she’ll be more confident, more intuitive and know what she likes and does not like in a friend. She’ll be a better friend too.
So, you ARE helping her more than you know, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
But yes, jumping on a plane to Tahiti would be so much easier at times. Believe me!
Kate
January 13th, 2008 at 6:32 am
I’m really glad that you are the kind of mother who would try to solve a problem for her children even if there is no solution.
BarnGoddess
January 13th, 2008 at 8:49 am
my son went thru something similar. These things seem to work themselves out. it’s hard having to watch our youngins get their feelings hurt, though.
The Supreme High Ruler of the W. Household
January 13th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I can really relate about wanting to save my kids from feeling left out, even though my daughter isn’t in school yet. My oldest daughter is a very friendly, outgoing little girl. But she is also very sensitive to rejection, so she takes it hard when other kids don’t want to play with her. It’s hard to watch, and to know what to say. You’re right, though. It’s just something she’s going to have to learn to handle on her own.
Queen of the Mayhem
January 13th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I could have written this exact post myself. It breaks my heart to see The Princess get her feelings hurt by a similar “freinenmy” in her class. Learning you cannot fight your child’s battles is a difficult one!
I can tell you…there have been times when I have wanted to punch out little 9 year old hussies….but I don’t….I could go to prison for that….and I might miss my American Idol or DWTS if that happened…OH and I look fat in orange! (hee-hee)
Good luck!
Daisy
January 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
This is a tough situation to watch. One of the best things you can do is work on teaching your daughter skills to deal with negative emotions, and how to let go of a friend who causes them. Watch, though, for active bullying. That can scar, and it often can’t be stopped by the victim.
AuburnGalAlways
January 13th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
You’re doing just fine. Give yourself a break. Madeline (and the rest) have a great mom in their corner.
Sue
January 13th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
One of the things I have drilled into my kids heads is that it is highly unlikely they will carry a lifelong friendship. That life is about change and while people will come and go from their lives, it isn’t the end of the world when they don’t get along with someone (or vice versa) or someone they love moves away/leaves. Life is in constant change and when one friendship runs it’s course, another appears.
The problem is that it is hard to explain this type of thing to younger children. My boys, being teens and almost teens, get it.
Kerry
January 14th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I so don’t look forward to these days when my boys get older. But like you said it’s something they have to experience.
megamounts
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Love the post! Secretly, I call our oldest guinea pig also! I just started blogging this week and I love it. I also loved finding your blog! Great Name!