I had some requests for an update on how the Smart Discipline charts are going. So far they are working great for two of my kids but my spirited and strong willed firstborn, Madeline is in need of the Smart Ass Discipline chart. She’s the child who will find her way around any discipline tactic and she usually wins because she can bring me to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and say, “Okay, you win!” Today she decided to pull out her drama queen get out of jail free card.

She had been holding it together quite well and didn’t get her first X on the chart until yesterday. She took it well. She could see on the chart that she could break six more rules before she would lose a privilege. But today when she received two X’s within five minutes I think she realized how quickly she could rack them up over a week.

It all started with her tripping over our puppy. There was a little blood where she skinned her foot which brought on the drama. She cried and carried on. Even after I cleaned up the scrape, applied a band-aid, and had her lie on the couch with her foot elevated since she was claiming to have sprained it. She did make a miraculous recovery when I mentioned that we could not go shopping if her foot was sprained although I think it left her feeling as though she didn’t get enough attention for her injury. So when her dad gave her an X for leaving her laptop on the couch and then another for yelling at him she felt a need to create some more drama. I guess she was still stewing over the fact that I would not let her eat tomato soup at 9:30 am. I told her that she would have to wait until 11 am since soup is for lunch and that she would have to choose another snack. Normally she would have fought me on the issue but refrained since there was an X at stake.

No soup, a fall with injury, and two X’s within five minutes must have sent her over the edge because the next thing I know she has locked herself in her room. My hubby informed me that she had taken it upon herself to put X’s in all the boxes on her chart. I guess that’s her way of saying, “Screw your stupid chart! What are you going to do now?” I took a deep breath and promised myself to not let her wear me down. So go grab some popcorn and get comfy because what unfolded was pretty dramatic.

Me: Madeline, you know the rule is that only mommy or daddy can manage the chart. You have lost all privileges for breaking that rule.

Madeline: I don’t care. I want to lose them.

Me: Good, because you just did.

The old me would have engaged in a conversation about why she did what she did and why she would want to lose all her privileges. I didn’t bite this time. Instead I walked out of the room. I could hear her flipping the door of the puppy’s crate up and down in hopes that I would come back in and yell at her. I refrained. She must have sat in there for a few minutes trying to think of how she could engage me in her battle of the wills because here she came asking if she could make tomato soup.

Me: No, it’s 10:30. I told you that you cannot have soup until 11:00.

Madeline: Connor can have popcorn. Why can’t I have soup?

Me: Because popcorn is a snack and soup is for lunch.

Madeline: It’s not fair!

Fortunately I was on the phone with my sis at the time. She has on many occasions witnessed how Madeline engages me in this song and dance and how easily I get sucked into the fight. She kept reminding me to just ignore Madeline as she whined. After several minutes of being ignored she announced that she was going to make her soup anyway. She heads off to the kitchen and tells her dad that I said she could have soup.

Me: I did not! She can’t have soup until 11:00.

He sends her to her room for a time out just as the book recommends once all privileges are lost. I was in her room at the time putting away laundry.

Madeline: I don’t want to go in there because mommy is in there.

Me: Too bad. I’m ignoring you anyway until you calm down and stop throwing tantrums.

She throws herself on her bed and has a temper tantrum, rolling around on the bed and screaming at me about how I’m ruining her life. Now all the sheets are off her bed so I tell her to remake her bed.

Madeline: I don’t know how!

Me: Yes you do. Remake it or I will take away the sheets and pillows and you will have to sleep without them. The choice is yours.

Now I’m thinking Oh shit! Only give a consequence that I’m willing to follow through on. Am I willing to follow through on this one?

Madeline: I’ll sleep without them. I don’t care!

I guess I better follow through if she’s going to take me seriously. God, this sucks!

She continues to thrash, scream, and plead. I go about my business and try to look as though I’m ignoring her.

Me: Why don’t you go take a bath to help you calm down.

She likes that idea and runs off to my bathroom. A minute later she returns.

Madeline: There is something gross in the tub! Clean it up!

Oh no she didn’t!

Me: You need to ask nicely. I won’t do anything for you if you talk to me like that.

Hubby: What’s in the tub?

Me: Marigrace took a crap during her bath. I forgot to clean it up.
(They don’t call me slackermommy for nothing!)

Madeline: Ewwww! I’m not cleaning it!

Me: I will clean it when you can talk nice to me.

Madeline (in a smart ass voice): Will you please clean it!

I ignore her. She continues to have a tantrum for several minutes before she finally asks nicely.

Me: Okay then. I’m going to finish putting these clothes away then I’ll get the tub ready.

I obviously didn’t move fast enough (which was only like 10 seconds) because she went back into tantrum mode, stomping her feet and throwing her body around.

Madeline: You’re not doing it!

Me: You have got to get control of yourself.

Madeline: Okay , mommy. (Calm voice) Clean the tub. (Whining, still throwing her body around) I want to take a bath now.

Me: You are not in control. We will discuss this when you are calm.

I leave the room. She continues to stomp her feet and yell that she’s calm. I continue to ignore her. I’m doing my best to not give her an audience. Out she comes with her stuffed dog and pajamas.

Madeline: I’m moving out!

She heads for the front door.

Me: No you aren’t. You are not to leave your room until you are calm.

Surprisingly she went back to her room but not without slamming the door. Ten minutes later she comes out and hugs me.

Madeline: I’m sorry mommy. I’m calm now. I made you something.

So typical of her. Now she’s remorseful and hopeful that apologizing will get her privileges back.

Me: I accept your apology but you still have lost all your privileges.

Madeline: I didn’t mean to put all those X’s. Can’t we start over?

Me: No, Madeline. It is not okay for you to disrupt the family in this way and then think you can have all your privileges back by saying you are sorry. I hope next time you will try harder to control your temper.

Madeline: I’ll try. I’m going to go take a shower now.

She emerged from the shower as sweet as can be and finally got her soup at 11:30. The next two hours she was a dream child. I made sure to point out her good behavior and give positive messages to her just as was suggested in the book. She played nice with Isabelle as they made a tent which gave me a chance to reflect on what had happened and what I should do differently. I was better about not giving her tantrum so much attention but I could have ignored her behavior more. I should have not stayed in the room during her timeout. The laundry could have waited. See what happens when I try to be organized? I should have just left the laundry on the couch where it usually is. Suggesting a bath to help her calm down was probably not a good idea either. Especially since I had left a couple turds in it.

Just as I’m enjoying some peace and quiet Madeline shows up to inform me that she accidentally watched a little bit of a movie. What the hell is wrong with this kid?

Me: How do you accidentally watch a movie?

Madeline: It was in my laptop. I was going to listen to music.

Me: Madeline, you know you aren’t to be on your computer. Bring it up to me, now!

Madeline: Can’t I just listen to music?

Me: No! Now you’ve lost that privilege.

She attempts to protest. I give her the hairy eyeball and yell, “Get it now!”

She scurries downstairs. A few minutes later Isabelle appears with the laptop.

Isabelle: Madeline sat on my head! I couldn’t breathe!

Me: She did what?! Madeline, why would you do that?

Madeline: She wouldn’t bring up the computer for me.

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

At this point I just want to throw a tantrum myself. Where did I go wrong with this child? I know this can’t be normal nine year old stuff. My other kids don’t take things as far as she does. Should I take her back to doctor? Or has she gotten so used to pushing my buttons until she gets her way that challenging her causes her to take things to another level in an attempt to get her way? Will holding our ground eventually cause her to behave better? I’m at such a loss and I feel so defeated.

Madeline manages to stay quietly in her room for about five minutes before she starts her crap.

Madeline: I’m hungry! Can’t I eat something?

Me: No. You are staying in there until we leave for church.

Madeline: How long is that?

Me: 45 minutes.

She begs and pleads. Screams and yells.

I ignore her.

Madeline: You are the worst mother! I hate you! You are stupid!

She slams the door. I found her asleep when I checked on her fifteen minutes later. I will have to wake her up for church. This is going to be interesting. I’ll keep you posted. Right now I have to go pluck all the gray hairs I grew today. And clean poop out of the tub.

*****************************************************

I dreaded waking Madeline up for church so I brought the baby with me since Madeline is so crazy about her. We woke her up together but it didn’t soften the blow that we were waking her for church. She threw a fit. We argued over what was appropriate church attire. She pulled out all her stall tactics so I had to give her a time limit to be ready. If she wasn’t ready in time she would lose the privilege of attending a friend’s birthday party tomorrow. She managed to pull it together and get in the car but screamed at my hubby to not look at her. We threatened to take away the party. She calmed down but I was left feeling so stressed and exhausted. The rest of the evening she was on her best behavior. She was back to being sweet and charming. Now I’ve got to get through the next few days with a child who can’t watch television, listen to music, use the computer, talk on the phone, or sleep with sheets and pillows.

Just another day of an exhausted slacker mom trying to figure out how to parent and discipline a spirited strong willed child with ADHD. Wish me luck!

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