I’m so sad. Sonny, our beloved dog has a nasal tumor. He presented with a cough in March that did not respond to two rounds of antibiotics. Then around the end of May he started bleeding from the nose. He was put back on antibiotics and the bleeding stopped for about a week. We checked his blood counts, clotting factors, tick titres, and chest x-rays. Everything came back normal for an old dog. Skull x-rays showed a mass of some sort in the left side. I prayed that the mass was a fungus or infection but and MRI and rhinoscopy performed yesterday showed a tumor. I won’t know until Monday when the biopsy comes back what kind of carcinoma we are dealing with. The tumor is very aggressive and quite large. Radiation may be an option. I was all for the radiation until I found out that the closest hospital that offers animal radiation is two hours away. That would mean we would have to leave Sonny at that hospital for at least four weeks. We could bring him home on weekends but with four kids and our hectic schedule it would be difficult to do it every weekend. Not to mention Sonny would be miserable. He has a hard time being away from us. When I left him yesterday for his procedure he cried and sat on my feet and would not budge. We had to trick him in order for me to leave. It broke my heart and I cried all the way home.

I am so terribly grief stricken. I don’t do death well. Isn’t that a dumb thing to write? Who does do death well? What I mean is I’m such a crybaby. I cry at Hallmark commercials for crying out loud! Pun intended. When I worked in the ICU I was the nurse who did the ugly cry with families when a loved one passed away. My poor kids don’t know what to think of me. They know I cry easy but they’ve never seen me this upset. They are trying to make sense of what is happening to Sonny. I’ve got the book Dog Heaven for them but I’m going to wait until I can read it without crying. Isn’t amazing how our pets steal our hearts?

Sonny was our first baby. We got him a couple months before we were married. The house we live in is the house he was born in. The previous owners bred Golden Retrievers. We came to see Sonny and saw that the house was for sale. We bought both of them. I can’t imagine not having him here anymore. In fact my hubby wants to move once he passes.

Me and hubby had a long talk tonight about what we should do for Sonny and have decided to forgo the radiation. If we asked Sonny what he wanted his answer would be no. He would hate to be away from us for so long and I shudder at the thought of him being afraid and alone. He’s old. If he was younger and the hospital was down the street we would do it without question. So our decision is to give him the best of what time he has left. He has been such a blessing to our family. The most loving, loyal and sweet natured dog that I have ever met. He’s so happy to just be. To be sitting next to me. To be petted. To be fed treats. He has been so good with the kids. In fact I think he thinks he’s a kid. He goes crazy at the window if the kids are outside without him. If he was in the car when I dropped the kids off at school he would cry when they got out of the car. He has endured the kids sitting on him, poking him, and dressing him up. I’m going to miss how he sits by the window waiting for us to come home. I’m going to miss how Marigrace sits next to him and shares her snacks. I’m going to miss how he follows me from room to room. Even if he’s fast asleep he will get up and come find me. I’m going to miss seeing his sweet face every day. I’m going to miss him.

With what time he has left we are going to let him swim in the pool and sit on the furniture. He is going to eat like a king and have all the leftovers he wants. I promise to love on him several times a day and not take him for granted. He has been such a gift to us. He deserves his last couple of months with us to be the best they can be.

God, am I going to miss him. Damn it.

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