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I’ve had a tough day.

It began with an email from Madeline’s teacher. I love this teacher. She has dealt with Madeline’s tics and ADHD with so much understanding and patience. She is big on behavior modification and Madeline has responded well. We email often to keep each other abreast of what is going on with Madeline. Her email today informed me that Madeline was having a rough day and complaining about her eyes bothering her. She had glasses prescribed a few months ago but they aggravated her tics, causing her to frequently move her ears and rub the glasses on her nose until the skin became red and sore. We traded her glasses in for contacts and she did well with them the first few weeks but now she’s complaining of her eyes hurting and I have noticed that her blinking tic has increased considerably over the last week. She is so hypersensitive.

I wasn’t surprised that she was having a bad day. I noticed a change in her behavior over the weekend. She was more impulsive than usual and her tics were greatly increased. I know that it’s time to consider medicating her. It’s been a year since we tried Strattera and that is the only drug we have tried. I have a friend whose son has similar issues as Madeline and is doing very well on Tenex and Focalin. She’s also is very happy with his neurologist so I have been mulling around the idea of taking Madeline to him. Her teacher’s email was confirmation that Madeline needs to be seen. Unfortunately the receptionist of the new doc was extremely rude and tells me that the next available appointment would be the end of October. This was after I was on hold for ten minutes.

“Are you kidding me?” was my response.

Then silence.

“Okay then. Thanks anyway” and I hung up.

I was shocked. My friend is shocked. Her son was seen within the week of her calling. Obviously I caught the receptionist from hell on the wrong day. Seriously, what pediatric neurologist can’t see a child for six months?

I called the neurologist that treats Madeline and they are getting her in tomorrow. Easy peezy, lemon squeezy and the receptionist was pleasant!

When I picked the kids up from school I could see that my usually happy child was not happy. She broke down as soon as we pulled away and my heart bled as I watched big, fat alligator tears roll down her beautiful face.

I hate that she is going through this.

I hate that I can’t “fix” it.

I hate that kids make fun of her.

All I could offer her was my shoulder to cry on and a doctor’s appointment. She is definitely her mother’s daughter. We are both very emotional and cry when under great stress but we are also strong and will seek answers and solutions. After our pity party Madeline asked if she could give her class a talk about her tics so they could understand her better.

That’s my girl.

She even started her research on her own tonight. I walked in on her watching this HBO piece on kids with Tourettes. We also have a neighbor kid that has Tourettes so I suggested she should talk to him.

We’ll get through this.

Now I must sleep.

I hope.

This is a question I have pondered for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my own mother was not a very good role model because mental illness, immaturity, and narcissism consumed her. My friend’s mothers weren’t much better either or at least in my young eyes they were not June Cleaver or Carol Brady. None of them stayed at home, some were part time moms due to divorce, and most were not very involved in their kid’s lives. I wasn’t so sure that mothers like those depicted on t.v. even existed but I did know that I wanted to be like them.

Fantasizing about what a great mom I would be is what got me through my dreary childhood. After my mother’s narcissistic rages I would retreat to La La Land and envision myself lavishing my own children with love and praise. I promised my imaginary children that I would never forget how valuable they are and never blame them for my wrongdoings. I was raised to feel like I was a burden, the cause of my mother’s miserable existence, and that my sole purpose was to serve her. I believed that mothering my children well would right all my mother’s wrongs.

Now I’m a mother and I have stuck to my promises to the best of my ability only I didn’t realize how hard it would be. With my own mother being such a poor role model I had to model t.v. moms and a few mommy friends who I decided rocked the mom gig. Maintaining my idea of the perfect mom did not make me feel like frolicking in a meadow with my children while riding unicorns like I had imagined. Instead I felt depleted and frustrated most of the time. That damn Carol Brady made it look so easy with every episode ending all wrapped up nicely and tied with a bow.

In my quest to be the opposite of my own mother I ended up taking motherhood to the extreme and lost myself in the process. I succeeded at putting my children on a pedestal, giving them many of the things I never had, and being a stay at home mom who bakes cookies and volunteers at school. What I failed at was giving up so much of myself that there wasn’t anything left for me. It is very hard to effectively parent when your own needs aren’t being met.

So my idea of what it takes to be a good mom has changed over the years. I have learned that in order for me to effectively mother my children I need to achieve balance in my life. Keeping balance is a struggle for me because of my fear that any time I put myself before my children it will be perceived as self centeredness.  I have never completely shaken my childhood feelings of worthlessness but day by day I chip away at that negative feeling by doing little things for myself. Not only is it good for me but also good for my children. I am their role model for the portrait of a mother they will paint and I want them to know that they don’t have to give up their life to be a good mother.

PBN is helping Microsoft promote their campaign “Portraits of Mom” with a Blog Blast. To participate write a post on your blog describing your portrait of a mother. Post anytime this weekend - Friday, April 25 through Sunday, April 27 and include links to http://www.portraitsofmom.com and http://blog.parentbloggers.com. You could win a $250 gift certificate to your local photography studio of choice!

Seriously. For $15.95 you can purchase the ultimate Hell getaway package which includes:

• Demonic issued certificate of reservation, officially registered in Satan’s Log™ and prepared on flame-proof material.
• A one way, free-fall ticket to Hell. What better way to get there then a non-stop, direct drop?
• The Official Hell Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
• Hell 101 mini informational guide, outlining things you need to know to survive the nightmare.
• All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Frozen Wasteland, the Lake of Fire and the Bridge of Dead, where all the hotties get together and kick it.

Reserveaspotinhell.com asks what sounds better, singing songs and reading books in Heaven or taking shots with strippers in Hell?

The site boasts that Less than 0.000001% of our reservation holders have had problems getting themselves or someone else  into Hell.

Fiery damnation not your thing? Then reserve a spot in Heaven. What sounds better to you, eternal happiness or endless damnation? They even offer a 100% money back guarantee.

Seem a bit blasphemous? Just a bit. I was a little uncomfortable when I first happened upon the sites but then I saw the humor and how these “kits” would make a great gag gift. What does bother me is that they are actually charging for these kits. I think I would feel better about poking fun at Heaven and Hell if the proceeds were going to charity.

Maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t think of it.

Nah, I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing I was playing God. I wouldn’t want to tick Him off and the worry of people at church finding out what I was selling would not be worth it.

Just goes to show you can sell just about anything with the right marketing. Maybe these  are the same guys who came up with the Pet Rock.

What do you think of this?

Boy, have I missed my blog and all my blogging friends. I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. Life just became overwhelming. I had moments where I felt like I should just hit the delete key so my neglected blog wouldn’t feel like such a monkey on my back. I’m still having moments where I’m not so sure how I will ever fit blogging back in my life. I don’t know how other moms of 4+ kids (or really any mom) are finding the time but I would love to know because I just can’t find a balance so something in my life doesn’t have to suffer in order to find time to blog. My biggest issue is feeling so trapped in my life which I feel guilty about. My life is good. I have a sweet, hard working husband who has provided me with a very comfortable lifestyle. I have four great kids, several girlfriends I can really count on, and a sister who is the bestest friend I could ask for. I should feel happier but most of the time I feel overworked, unappreciated, and wishing for more hours in a day.

My little funk began when I received an invite for the infamous J&J Camp Baby. An all expense paid trip with some of my favorite blogging friends? Three days away from the demands of my hubby and kids? I was so in. Except by the time I was able to secure childcare the camp had met its guest quota. Too bad, too sad.

This is when I had my first moment of feeling trapped within the confines of family life. You know you need a mommy break when you can relate with Chelsea Handler’s character on one of the In The Motherhood webisodes where she tells a policeman that maybe she does want to go to jail just so she can be alone.

I was angry with my husband because I felt that he should have offered to stay home with our kids if I couldn’t find childcare. I so rarely ask him to take time off from work to help with the kids and I’m quickly growing resentful of the fact that in order for me to do anything I have to find childcare when he is free to make his plans knowing that I’m always here to be with the kids. It feels terribly unfair. My hubby realized how unfair this is when I made a tearful comment that I did not know I would have to give up my life in order to be a mom. He tried making it up to me by offering to fly me out to see my sister but he was missing the point. These free trips don’t come around often and I wanted to feel like he valued me and my job being a mom enough to tell me he would make sure the childcare was covered so I could get away.

So I didn’t go and my life got increasingly busier over the next few weeks and won’t slow down again until the end of school. Just keeping up with the house, laundry, homework, running errands, cooking meals, carpool, and servicing the hubby take up a full day. I sacrifice sleep to fit in the things I like to do such as reading, blogging, and playing on the computer. My oldest is a competitive dancer and spring time is when I have to shift into stage mom mode. She has two competitions and a recital every spring. This year she is in eight numbers which means eight costumes and everyone of them needed some altering or embellishing. She had her first competition this past weekend and I am sharing videos of the dress rehearsals on YouTube.

I also have several blogging projects in the works if I can ever find enough time to commit to any of them fully. The latest endeavor is The St. Louis Bloggers Guild which I can’t honestly take any credit for but I plan to take a more active role in the very near future.

I have also put my mommy guilt aside and have found an in-home daycare for Marigrace twice a week so I can free up some time for much needed “me” time. I’m going to make an effort to pamper myself more. What I have realized over the last few weeks is if I don’t value myself then neither will anyone else.

Hopefully you will see me around more often. I really have missed you and this blogging gig. Thanks to all of you who checked in on me. It’s nice to feel missed.

As usual I am always late to the party. I’ve been so out of the blogging loop lately (more on that later) that I forgot that I’m participating in a super fun blog hunt. Some great gals have spent a lot of time putting this hunt together and in the end some fab prizes will be won. Here’s the poop:

Join the HUNT!

To play: First, create a new folder on your desktop called bloghunt. Second, read this clue…

Spring has sprung, and the time is now-er
to scour the kitchen AND the shower!

Third visit this site…

http://www.organizedmom.net

Once you are at the site you will read the posts and browse through the blog until you figure out what the clue was leading you to. Once you find the answer click on it to reveal the “item” and clue. Right click the “items” you find and save them to your bloghunt folder on your desktop. You will have to have all of the items to be eligible for our fantastic prizes which will be drawn at random from all the entries. You enter by sending your completed bloghunt folder to finish@greatbloghunt.com Entries will be taken until May 2nd, when the winners will be drawn.

Get goin’ now.

I’m not a writer. I just pretend to be one on this blog.

Literature was my favorite class in high school and I dreamed of writing my own novel but I had read enough novels to know I don’t quite have what it takes to be a good writer. I’m a grammar rebel and not very good at being descriptive.

I don’t write this blog to entertain. This blog is my therapy. I’m a very emotional and analytical person and have always kept journals of my thoughts and feelings. Opening myself up in this very public format has connected me with so many people who “get” me and the connections that I’ve made are cathartic. I’m also an open book and often indulge more than I should. I’m also like this in person. I seem to have a malfunctioning TMI switch. Despite being so open I am careful about where I list my blog and what audience I want to target.
So what’s my point of sharing this?

It recently has come to my attention that there is a website that is publishing my entire blog without my consent. I’m not sharing my Google juice with this site so you will have to here to find out who is scraping my stuff.

Why does this piss me off? Let me count the ways:

1. Like I explained above, I write about very personal and sensitive issues. I often write about my estranged relationship with my parents. I’m also a control freak. I am very careful about where I share my blog feed and I certainly don’t want to make it easy for my parents to find my blog. This site that has stolen my content including publishing my photos. Is it no longer rude to hotlink? That’s right people, photos of my dog, my kids, and myself are published on this site on a page for my city. Uh, hello, I might as well put an ad in the paper with my photo, blog url and hope my parents don’t happen upon it. Check it out, my peeps. Not only will you find me listed in the sidebar but you can read my entire blog. Originally clicking on my post title would take you to another page within their site but once this brouhaha began the owner, Dave Mastio fixed it so now the title will bring you back to my blog.
2. I have asked three times to be removed from the site. I finally received a reply yesterday from Dave Mastio that my blog would be removed but 24 hours later my blog is still listed. If Dave wants to make friends in the blogging community then he needs to play nice. I asked to be removed and that should be honored. I don’t care about his fair use excuse. Clipgator was aggregating my blog last year without my permission and within hours of asking to be removed I was removed. It didn’t get nasty. This is getting nasty. It is MY words, MY photos, and MY stories and any respectable site would not use them without my consent.
3. Dave Mastio is making money off my content. The site seems to serve no other purpose than publishing blogger’s feeds to support advertising and not only do I not receive any revenue from the ads but I have no say in what ads show up along with my blog. Many of the ads are flashy and in poor taste. Don’t even get me started on how much I hate pop unders.
4. I am a control freak as I have established above. I want to control where my feed is aggregated. I’ve given Maya’s Mom permission to aggregate my feed because it’s tasteful, does not publish my photos, is a community of moms and with a click of the mouse I can remove my blog. It is after all, my blog.
5. Dave Mastio did not say pretty please. Seriously, I was not given a choice to opt in or out and I am at the mercy of Dave Mastio to remove me.

I actually thought I had added some copyright protection by using the wordpress copyright plugin which adds this to the bottom of all my posts:

Copyright © 2008 slacker-moms-r-us.com. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact legal@slacker-moms-r-us.com so we can take legal action immediately.

Dave Mastio does not publish my full post so my copyright does not even show on his site. A lot of good that did me.

Bottom line is what I post here is mine and if someone is scraping my blog for no other purpose than their personal gain without my permission then my request to be removed should be respected. C’mon Dave, didn’t your mama teach you any manners?

Here are more posts on this topic:

Mamalogues
WOBL in Training
Super Fun Patrol
News-Bitch
Little Bald Doctors
STL Probloggers
State of Discontent
Prologos
The Broad Brush
A Bun’s Life

*Updated*
Wow! Within a half an hour of posting this my blog was removed from BNN. What a shame that it took a post rather than a simple email to remove my site.

I have found myself in a situation where a series of unfortunate events have left me looking and feeling like an idiot.

It all began with an item that was donated to our school auction by a business woman that I’ve met through blogging. A new family at our school bought the item at the auction which was last November. Three months later she has still not received her item. During the time I am trying to track down whether or not her item ever shipped Isabelle befriends this mom’s daughter and has her over for a playdate. While at my house and under my care the child falls and breaks her arm while doing cheerleader stunts with my oldest and her friend. Big oops! I felt horrible. There is nothing worse than having someone’s kid get hurt while under your care. It’s even worse when you barely know the family.

My hubby was afraid they would sue but so far they have been very understanding. I just don’t know for much how longer. I feel like I appear to be a real dingbat especially with the latest unfortunate event.

I tried to obtain a Love Frog Webkinz around Valentine’s Day to send to the injured child but was unable to find one here in town so I purchased one off Ebay. I was careless and didn’t read the fine print or take a close look at the seller’s feedback. I won an auction that only accepted money orders. Why in the world do money orders still exist in this day and age?

I begrudgingly mailed the money order and notified the seller that the Webkinz was a gift and to ship to the recipient. Two weeks later I asked the child’s mother if they had received it and guess what? They had not. What’s worse is while I’m having this conversation with the mom Isabelle is telling the injured child the story of how Connor jumped off our slide and broke his arm when he was three. The mom hears the story and makes a comment about what dare devil children I have.

Nice.

I look like such an ass. I hope this is the last of unfortunate events with this mom. Fortunately she is a very nice person because she would have every right to get nasty with me.

The upside is that her daughter’s arm is healing very well and she has graduated to a shorter cast. The item from the auction is currently being shipped and the owner is kind enough to personally call the mom. Now I’m working on the Ebay mess. I have learned a big lesson about thoroughly reading the auction listings and feedback before I bid. This seller has nearly perfect feedback so I didn’t bother to read any of it but he’s a powerseller so he sells so much that a few negatives don’t make much of a dent in his positive feedback. Turns out he has plenty of negative and neutral feedback for poor communication and extremely slow shipping not to mention he is very rude. I’m appalled with his replies to negative feedback. Just another example of Ebay’s flawed feedback system.

Hopefully this will all be rectified soon and I can redeem myself to this family.

WARNING
*This post is rated R for language and sexuality*

Mamma Loves (who I so absolutely adore) is having a contest for the most entertaining story as to how she broke her ankle. It seems she has a thing with broken lower extremities.

When I met her last summer at BlogHer she was traipsing around in an incredible pair of red-come-fuck-me-pumps on what turned out to be a broken foot. This woman has stamina, I tell ya! If I remember correctly she broke her foot by walking off a curb. She may have very well broken her ankle in a similar boring accident but her contest calls for an entertaining story so here is mine:

Mamma had a Where in the World is Mamma Contest last week and wants us to believe she was on vacation at some fab tropical resort but the truth is she was taking an intensive striptease and pole dancing seminar.

Mamma has been feeling like she’s neglecting the hubs by not ironing his shirts and watching too much reality tv. She claims to be a tomboy but she could no longer deny her inner sex goddess.

After her week long course she felt quite confident that she could give the hubs the striptease dance of his life. She rented a portable pole for the bedroom, lit candles, and scattered a rose petal path for the hubs to find her when he returned from work. Of course she sent the boys to a neighbor’s house.

The mood was set and she was well rehearsed. She put on her favorite Frederick’s of Hollywood corset, garter, and the infamous red pumps.

Mamma shows off the new pose she learned in
Bootylicious Stripper Poses 101

With The Pussycat Dolls “Buttons” in the CD player and the hubs at her mercy, Mamma did her thing. And she was quite impressed with herself. She remembered the pole dancing tips that she got during the strip club field trip and mastered the pole like a pro.

Mamma performed the bone crusher and the James Brown lap dance moves that she learned in her Advanced Lap Dance class. The hubs could barely contain his excitement so she serviced him with the techniques guaranteed to make your man smile that were highlighted in Blowjob Class.

Just as things were coming to an end (pun intended) the bedroom door flew open and there stood Mr. 5. He had returned from the neighbor’s house to get his old beloved flip flops. Why he became nostalgic over mismatched flip flops he wore several years ago is still a mystery.

Anyway, back to the story. Mamma didn’t want to be seen in such a compromising position so she did a super hero jump into the closet and twisted her ankle upon landing in her red CFM pumps.

And that my friends is how Mamma Loves broke her ankle.

The hubs says it was completely worth it.

Side note:
Mr. 5 was completely oblivious to what was going on and was very impressed with his mom’s super hero closet jump and attempts to recreate the same height and speed several times per day.

Visit this post to see Mamma’s se-xy bruises (Mamma’s very words) and to find out more about participating.

At least I am in my mind so imagine my excitement to find my name in People magazine. Not just once but twice!

I can’t wait to get my People this Friday and look for where they put my name this week. I realize it’s just an advertisement so please don’t burst my bubble. My kids think it’s very cool. In fact Connor told his teacher that his mom was in a magazine and they asked him to bring it in for show and tell. I giggle at the thought of Connor passing these two pages around and all the kids thinking how cool it is that his mom is famous. At least until the one smarty pants kid announces that his mom is also in People magazine.

I don’t know who came up with this marketing ad but I think it’s brilliant.

I’m an emotional mess. Today was not a good mommy day for me despite it starting out okay. Madeline had her Muny audition so we had to get up early to be there by 8:30 am. Madeline is not a breakfast kind of kid but I was able to get her to eat a piece of cheese. I figured a little protein is better than none. She was nervous and excited but the audition ended up going well for her and the most important thing is she feels like she did a great job.

This is where things went downhill.

We carpooled with my good friend Vickie and her daughter so we decided to grab lunch together after running a quick errand. The service was extremely slow and it ended up being two-ish before we got our food. That’s a long time to go on one piece of cheese and a handful of pretzels and Madeline began to crash.

For those who don’t already know, Madeline has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Most of the time she does a great job of keeping her behavior in check. She is embarrassed of her tics so she often suppresses them in social situations or if she’s in the company of people she doesn’t feel would be accepting. This is not an easy thing to do and can be quite exhausting. Imagine suppressing a bout of sneezing 50 times an hour for several hours. That’s how people with Tourette’s describe their tics. It’s an urge that is not easily suppressed. Once she is in a safe place such as home she releases all those suppressed tics.

Madeline became quite fidgety while waiting for our food. I could tell she was trying to suppress her tics which worsen when she’s hungry, tired, or under stress. She was bouncing her legs under the table which her friend took as Madeline purposely kicking her so she yelled at Madeline to stop several times. This prompts me to reprimand Madeline so that it doesn’t appear that I don’t make her mind. At that point I should have sat between the girls but my attempt to appear “normal” clouded my judgement.

Madeline was also a bit impulsive and rather than wait for me to slide out of the booth so she could get in she walked over my back and onto the booth. Needless to say I was embarrassed. I can feel the stares and I know people are assuming she doesn’t have any manners and I’m a bad parent.

My scolding her only made things worse. When she crashes we have found that pointing out her behavior worsens it but I felt torn. If I didn’t scold her then I would appear to my friend like I let my kid do whatever she wants without consequence. It was such an uncomfortable situation and it took everything I had to not burst into tears. At one point Madeline hugged me and said she was sorry. She could feel my disappointment and stress with the situation which makes me feel terrible because it was my fault she couldn’t keep it together.

I failed her on so many levels. Normally I do a pretty good job of setting Madeline up to be successful. I do my best to make sure she gets enough sleep, I bring snacks, and I watch for triggers.

What was I thinking? I should have hit a drive-thru and fed her right away but sometimes it’s hard to tell the others in your group that your child needs to eat now without looking like your child is a princess. I know, I’m making excuses. I am my child’s best advocate and I totally failed her today. I need to be better about doing what is best for Madeline in these situations even if it risks being judged as a bad mother. Geez, us moms are so hard on each other and I wish I didn’t care what others thought. But I do and today I put the needs of others before my own child and we paid a heavy price.

Once fed Madeline was able to pull it together and took a nap during the drive home. We didn’t see any impulsive behavior or hyperactivity once home but the freakiest thing happened. I was helping her with her math homework when suddenly she froze in a trance like stare while moving her eyes repeatedly up, right, down, and left. It scared the shit out of me because my immediate thought was that she was seizing. It lasted less than ten seconds but she wouldn’t respond to her name in those ten seconds then suddenly she snapped out of it. She immediately told me her teacher says it’s no big deal, just eye movements, so she obviously must do it at school when she’s trying to concentrate or feeling mental fatigue.

I made her take a break before resuming her homework and then sent her to bed. She was asleep by 9 pm and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We don’t have anything going on and that’s exactly what she needs.

So please don’t be so quick to judge the next time you see a child misbehaving. That child may very well have special needs and disapproving stares increase the stress of parent and child. Most parents of special needs children try to only put their children in situations where they can be successful but sometimes “episodes” can pop up despite our best intentions. Dealing with these kids can be challenging and exhausting so try to be a little understanding. That’s all I’m askin’.

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